Jokes - Funny Stories

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in obvious agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, noooo... I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage his privates.

She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

He replied still in agony, "It feels great, but it doesn't do a thing for my thumb. It still hurts like hell!"

Bob received a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realized the seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field!

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50-yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" he man said "No."

Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?!"

The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"That's really sad," said Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"

"No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral!"

pickle slicer

Yossel Abramovitz worked in a pickle factory. Unfortunately, he had a very great and powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. This went on for years, and Yossel couldn't stand it any more. So he decided to seek professional help for this odd infatuation of his. He spent a few months with a shrink who finally gave up and told Yossel that since Yossel's desire was so powerful to put his penis in the pickle slicer, the only way to get over it was to do it. Yossel gladly agreed to do it the next day at work.

The next day he came home from work very early, about 11 AM. His wife Sarah was very worried and asked why he was home so early. Yossel explained to her for the first time the desire he had had to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He explained that he couldn't take it any more and today he did it and he got fired as a result.

Sarah gasped and ran over to him, yanked down his pants and briefs, only to see his penis perfectly normal and intact. She looked back up and said "I don't understand ... what happened to the pickle slicer."?

"I think she got fired too."

A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell. The wife answers.
"Hi, is Tony home?"
"No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
"No come in."

They sit down and the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Sara thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and
Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together."
Sara thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

One day there was this kid and he was late for school, so his teacher asks him when he walks in, 'Why are you late? Where were you?' and the kid goes, 'I was laying on Cherry Hill.'

So the next day he is late again and the teacher asks him the same question, 'Where were you? Why where you late?' and the kid goes, 'I was laying on top of Cherry Hill, I told you!'

Then a new girl walks in and the teacher asks her what her name is and she replies, 'Cherry Hill.'

A man goes out hunting for his families dinner one night. He comes home with a big beautiful deer.

So that night the man, along with his wife, son, and two daughters sit down to dinner.

After dinner, one of the daughters walks into the living room to find the mother sitting on the sofa. The daughter sits down to tell her mother that, when she had just gone to the bathroom, she pissed out a bee-bee. The mother said, that that was just from when her father shot the deer.

A bit later the second daughter came into the living room to tell her mother the same thing her sister had.

Later the son came in, and sat down next to his mother.

The son said, "Mom, I have a problem."
The mother said, "Wait a second, you just went to the bathroom, and pissed out a bee-bee."
The son replied, "No, I was just out on the porch, beating off, and I shot the dog."

A guy in a bar has to goes to the washroom, upon entering the mens room he notices a man standing at the urinal with no hands. The man, with no hands looks over to the guy and says "hey buddy can ya help me out here" holding up his stumps "can you please take my penis out of my pants so I can take a piss"

The other guy feels sorry for him so he does it. As he takes the penis out of the man's pants he notices that his dick is covered in green slimy goo. The guy then quickly rushes to the sink to wash his hands and he almost makes it out the door when the man says "hey buddy you aren't going to leave me here like this are you?"

The guy once again feels sorry for the guy with no hands, so he does it. Just as he is washing his hands for the second time, curiosity gets the better of him and he asks, "what is all that green slimy shit all over your dick?"

The man with no hands then slides his hands out from under his sleeves and says, "I don't know , that's why I didn't want to touch it."

Fred goes to work as a lumberjack in a remote town about 500 miles north of Montreal. The first night in town, he checks out the local bar, and asks the bartender where all the women hang out. "Women?" says the bartender, "there aren't any women for 300 miles around here!" He tells Fred that the only relief to be found is Ming the Chinaman. Fred says firmly, "No way, I don't go for that shit!"

Fred walks out and goes to work up in the woods for a couple of months. The next time he is in town for supplies, he is pretty horny and goes to see the bartender again. He asks, "Are you sure there aren’t any women in town?" The bartender replies, "Look, I already told you there were no women here, and if you want something, it'll have to be Ming the Chinaman!" Fred's getts frustrated and says, "Now YOU look, I already told you I don't go for that kind of shit!"

Fred goes back up into the woods for another 6 months. On his next trip to town, he's so horny, he can hardly walk. He goes back to the bartender, hat in hand, and says, "O.K., I guess if there's absolutely no chance of getting a women, I'll have to take Ming the Chinaman. Can you set it up for me?" The bartender motions to two big guys who walk over to where Ming is sitting and pick him up. Ming starts going fucking crazy, screaming, kicking, and cussing. Fred asks, "What's his problem?!" The bartender replies, "Oh, Ming the Chinaman don't go for that shit either!!"

Two ants, one black and one white , who were freinds were looking for a place to stay in the forest in vain for quite a few days. So one day, they came across a cave which looks good and they decided to check it out.

The black ant volunteered to go in and check while the white ant wait outside. When the black ant entered the cave, what he saw was amazing. The place was well furnished and it is indeed a perfect place for them. So he decided to go outside and tell his freind, the white ant, about it. But when he is on his way out, a worm bash it and attacked him.

The black ant fought bravely and in the end, the worm got injured, vomited some white blood and retreat. The black ant rush outside quickly to tell the white ant about his encounter only to see his freind laying on the ground injured too! The black ant told him that he was attack by a worm while inside the cave and manage to defeat it making it vomit white blood.

The white ant reply :`That was nothing you asshole, compared to the two big balls I was battling outside!

At a San Francisco funeral parlor the wakes for three gay men were being held simultaneously. Their 'mates' happened to be at the funeral parlor at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes once their loved ones had been cremated.

The first man said, "My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."

The second man said, "My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."

The third man said, "My Jim was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of hot chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."

What if people bought cars like they buy Computers?

The car companies don't have help lines for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers, imagine if they did.....

Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?
Customer: I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!
Helpline: Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?
Customer: What's an ignition?
Helpline: It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine.
Customer: Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms to use my car.
Helpline: Toyota Helpline, how can I help you?
Customer: My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!
Helpline: Is the gas tank empty?
Customer: Huh? How do I know?"
Helpline: There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings of 'E' and 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?
Customer: It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?
Helpline: It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you.

Customer: What? I paid $18,000 for this car! And your telling me I to keep buying more components? This is outrageous! I want a car that comes with everything built in!

Helpline: Ford Helpline, how can I help you?
Customer: Your cars suck!
Helpline: What's wrong?"
Customer: It crashed, that's what's wrong!
Helpline: What were you doing?
Customer: Well I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor, It worked for a while and then it when off the road at a corner and crashed and it won't start now!

Helpline: It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?
Customer: I expect you to send me one of the latest versions that doesn't crash!
Helpline: BMW Helpline, how can I help you?
Customer: Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, power door locks, power seats, power.."

Helpline: Well,.. thanks for buying one of our top of line cars. So how can I help you?
Customer: Well, how do I work it?
Helpline: Do you know how to drive?
Customer: Do I know how to what?
Helpline: Do you know how to drive?
Customer: Look, I'm not a mechanic. I'm not even very technical. I just want to go places in my new car!

Two woman were having coffee the topic of marriage came up. One says, "You’re engaged again, congratulations. But after having gone through three divorces, what makes you think this is going to be any different? "

The lucky bride-to-be responded, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it. My third husband was a plumber, and all he ever wanted to do was have his fingers in it. So, now my fourth husband is a lawyer, so I know I'll get screwed!"

There was a guy who had an orange dick, so he went to a doctor and said, "Doctor, why do I have an orange dick?"
And he said, "I don't know, let me run some experiments."
So the guy said okay. The next day he went to the doctor and said "So why do I have an orange dick?"
And the doctor said, "I still don't know let me run some more experiments."
So the guy said okay. The next day the guy asked, "Have you figured out why I got an orange dick?"
The doctor said no. Then the doctor asked, "What do you do after work?" Then the guy said, "Pop in a porn and eat some cheetos."

Old Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "Asshole, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and says "I want a tattoo of ELVIS on the inside of my right thigh."

The artist says "No Problem, get undressed and lay on the table." When he is done, he says "So, what do you think?"

She replies," That doesn't look like ELVIS at all! I want you to do it over on the inside of my left thigh" The artist agrees and when finished, asks for her to appraise his work. "DAMMIT,..not only does that not look like ELVIS, it looks just like the tattoo on my other thigh!"

Calmly the artist asks her if she would like a second opinion and he walks outside and grabs the first person he sees...a drunk. He brings him back inside, shoves his face between her legs and says, "I want you to look at these two tattoos and tell me who it is?" The drunk looks at one tattoo, then the other, and exclaims, "Well...I don't know about the twins, but that's WILLIE NELSON in the middle!"

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had it on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they stayed home. That night the mother got up becuse she couldn't sleep. When she went by her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.

So the next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter.
"Why were you screaming last night?"
The daughter said "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream."
"Thats true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laghing last night?"
The daughter said "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh."
"Thats also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"
The youngest daughter said "Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."

A couple had two little boys, ages 6 and 8, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved.

The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons' behavior. The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman. The husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!"

The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 6-year-old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even more stern tone, "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "Where is God?" At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"

The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?

"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke."

She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties.

"Okay", she says.

After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"
They say, "Huh?"
She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.

Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth.
Jed says, "Luke?"
Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"
Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"

"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."
"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.
"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not".
"Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."

Walter Smith is standing at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafing through his Big Book to see if Walter is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to him: "You know, Walter, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life but, then again, it appears that you never did anything really bad either. Tell you what I'll do, if you can tell me of just one REALLY good deed that you did during your lifetime, you're in."

Walter thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a large group of KKK Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor young girl. I slowed down to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.

"Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron from the trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me.

"So, I rip the leader's chain off his face and smash him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turn around and yell to the rest of them and say: 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all just a bunch of sick, sex crazed, deranged animals! Go home before I have to teach all of you lesson in real pain!'"

St. Peter, quite impressed, says: "Really? That's absolutely wonderful of you! Now when did this happen?"

"Oh, about two minutes ago."

Three women stay up late one night drinking together at a bar and get totally wasted. They all leave in the early morning hours to go home, promising to meet again.

The next day, the three meet at a cafe for lunch and Bloody Mary's. They begin comparing stories to see who was the most drunk.

The first woman says "I was the most drunk. I went home and the first thing I did, was blow chunks."

The second woman says, "No, I was the most drunk. I left the bar and got in my car, then I wrapped it around a tree."

The third woman says, "Nuh-uh! I was the most drunk. I went home and lit a cigarette, passed out and burned my house down."

Then the first woman says "Ladies, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog!"

Three hillbillies were sittin on the porch. The first hillbilly said "My wife is so dumb, yesterday she drug home a brand new washer and dryer, and we ain't even got electricity!"

The second hillbilly said "My wife is stupider thaaan yers, yesterday she brings home a new dishwasher, and we ain't even got runnin water!"

The third hillbilly said "My wife is really dumber, yesterday I was in the kitchen and I saw her purse on the table. Everything was spilled out of it and there was a bunch of rubbers layin there...and she ain't even got a dick!"

Mrs. Stuart goes to a brand new gynecologist. As he's examining her, he cant help but say, "Mrs. Stuart, that is the biggest vagina I have ever, seen."

When she gets home, she decides to have a look for herself. She takes a big mirror off the wall and lays it on the floor. She then takes off all her clothes, stands on the mirror, spreads her legs, and looks down. Just then, her husband walks in early from work.

"What the hell are you doing?" he asks. She quickly replies, "Umm....I'm just exercising."

He says, "Well, be careful not to fall in the big hole."

Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands. The first says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine!"

The second says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!"

The third woman fainted.

Mickey and Minnie were going thru a bitter long drawn out divorce court battle both attorneys were accusing each side of terrible treatment and the battle lasted for days.

Finally the judge says "OK I've heard enough, I'm going to take a 1 hour break and I'll come back with my decision"

One hour passes with both sides squirming in their seats. Finally the judge emerges from his chambers sits down and looks across the court room and down at Mickey and says, "Well Mr. Mouse, I've heard your arguments but I'm afraid this court has found you have been unable to prove that your wife is crazy"

Mickey looks up at the judge perplexed and says, "Crazy? I didn't say she was crazy! I said she was fucking goofy".

There were these two gigantic trees, Bob and Fred. They were good friends and often talked together, but there was this little tree in between them. They were too tall to see what it was, but they wondered.

'Bob,' said Fred one day, 'Tell me. Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
'I think it's a son of a beech,' said Bob, and Fred disagreed.
'I think it's a son of a birch.'
Then, just as they were beginning to get into an argument, a woodpecker flew by, and they coerced him into flying down and checking for them.

He went, and tasted it, then came back and announced,
'That isn't a son of a beech, OR a son of a birch, but it's the best piece of ash I've ever stuck my pecker in!'

This guy walks into his doctor's office and tells the Doc he has a major problem. The Doc asked, "What is it?"
The man said he can not have sex.
"Why," asked the Doc.
The man replied, "My penis is too long and no woman will go to bed with me."
The Doc said, "Let me take a look."
The man rolled his pants down and the Doc almost fainted. 25 inches of penis. The Doc said, "Sorry but I know of no medical procedure that will help. But, at the edge of town there is a witch who might be able to cast a spell on you."

Dejected the man left the office and said to himself--nothing ventured nothing gained and off to the witch he went. He told her of his problem and she too wanted to see. She said "WOW there is no spell I can cast that will help. But, if you go behind my house into the woods, You will eventually reach a pond. On the far shore you will see a big ugly frog. Ask her to marry you. If she says NO and it works, Your penis will shrink by 5 inches."

The men left and walked and sure enough he found the pond and low and behold there was the frog on the far shore. He yelled, "Hey frog, will you marry me?"

She replied "NO!"

He felt a tingle rolled his pants down and was amazed. His penis shrunk to 20 inches. He said to himself, great!!! This worked but it is still too long. He yelled again, "Hey frog, will you marry me?"

The frog replied --NO! He felt the tingle again and sure enough it shrunk by additional 5 inches to 15. He said to himself, that’s great but still not enough. He yelled again. "FROG, will you marry me?"

The frog replied: NO! NO! NO! for the last time.

Glenn took his dog to the veterinary clinic, and laid its limp body on the table. The doctor pulled out his stethoscope, listened to the dog's chest for a moment, then shook his head sadly. "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."

"What?" Glenn screamed. "You haven't even done any tests! I want another opinion."

The vet left the room and returned in a few moments with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever sniffed the dog on the table carefully from head to toe. Finally, the Retriever shook it's head and barked once (meaning "dead and gone"). The vet took the Labrador away and returned a few minutes later with a cat, which also sniffed carefully over the dog on the table before shaking its head and saying, "Meow" (meaning "he's gone"). After the cat jumped off the table, the vet handed Glenn a bill for $600. The man shook the bill at the vet. "$600!!!! Just to tell me my dog is dead?!!! That's outrageous!"

The vet explained. "If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan...."