Jokes - Blondesend
10 Blondes 1 Brunette Breathalyzer test A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway. "Miss, may I see your driver's licence please?" "Driver's licence? What's that?..." "It's a little card with your picture on it." "Oh, duh! Here it is..." "May I have your car insurance?" "What's that?..." "It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car." "Oh this? Duh! Here you go..." The cop then takes his .. out of his pants, while the blonde exclaims: "Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!" Blondes Never Lie A blonde gets pulled over for speeding and a few other infractions along the way. The police officer walks up and asks to see her license. The blonde replies, "Duh, you officers need to get your eyes checked. Can't you see I'm only thirteen?" Hard questions A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other at the bar. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, drunk and dozing, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep. Baking Why don't blondes ever double their recipes? Because their ovens won't go over 700 degrees. Bad Breath What do you get when you stand a blonde on her head? A brunette with bad breath. A Blonde gets fitted for glasses
The blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. Blond on The Highway This blond was driving on the highway and there was a trucker in front of her. She had to get into the lane that the trucker was in and she cut him off. The trucker decided she had been on the highway to long and told her to pull off to the side. The blond did this and waited until the trucker got out of his truck. He got out of his truck carrying his pocket knife. He told her to get out of her car and she did this. He ran back to his truck and grabbed a piece of chalk. Then he drew a circle and told her to stay in it. He got into her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around and looked at the blond she was laughing. He was furious, so he turned took his knife and cut out the seat belts and all the wires. Then he turned around and again the blond was laughing. Now the trucker was more furious than ever. He took his knife and slashed all her tires. When he turned around the blond was laying on the ground laughing very hard. Finally he just said. "Why do you keep laughing when I turn around?", his face bright red from anger. Through big gasps of air from laughing she said. "Everytime you turn around I stepped outside of the circle." Blonde at the Movies Did you hear about the blonde who froze to death at the drive-in movie theater? She went to see "Closed for the Season." Blonde Baseball How is a blonde like a baseball? Everybody gets a whack! Blonde in a Hardware Store A blonde walks into a hardware store and asks the salesman, "Can I buy that TV?" The owner answers, "I don't sell TV's to blondes!" So the blonde dyes her hair and asks the some question, but she gets the same answer. So she shaves her head and goes back and asks again, but yet again she gets the same answer. "How did you know I was a blonde?" she asks." "Because," he replies, "that's a microwave oven." Blonde Coyote Did you hear about the blonde coyote? She chewed off three legs and still couldn't get out of the trap. Blonde Cliff Diving Why did the blonde jump off the cliff? Because her maxi had wings. Blonde Vs Lawyer A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a game. The blonde, who's tired and just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and says the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention; and figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "it's your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs but comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references--no answer. He taps into the airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress--no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde says "Thank you" and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. Blonde Revenge Why are brunettes so proud of their hair? It matches their mustaches! Blonde Visits a Barber A blonde walks into a barber shops with a set of headphones on and asks for a haircut. She says she needs a haircut and that it is vital to leave on the headphones. So the barber cuts her hair. But while he is cutting her hair he is wondering why the headphones are always on her head. He decides it must be her favorite song or something. He cuts her hair and she leaves. A month later she gets another haircut and she still has on the headphones. This goes on for a while. Then one day, the barber decides to find out what she is listening to. So she comes in and he snatches off the headphones. Suddenly she drops dead on the floor. He is very confused and he picks of the headphones and listens to them. It is a voice saying "Breathe in......breathe out....." Blondes With Pins What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, because she's got the grenade in her mouth! Blondes and Tissues Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the box. Boyfriend Issues A blonde suspects her boyfriend is cheating on her, so she buys a gun and puts it in her purse. Then she goes over to her boyfriend's apartment the very next day. As she throws the door open, she sees her boyfriend making out with some girl on the couch. "I knew it!" the blonde screams, and she takes out the gun. Then, utterly distraught, she points it at her own head. "No, honey!" the boyfriend yells, "Don't do it, please!" "Shut up!" the blonde replies, "You're next!" Brain Cells Why did God give blondes one more brain cell than a horse? So you won't have to pick up after them during a parade. Bruised Blonde Why did the blonde have bruises in and around her belly button? Because she had a blonde boyfriend. Broken Bones A blonde walks into a doctor's office and tells the doctor she's broken every single bone in her body. "That's impossible!" says the doctor. The blonde says, "No, it's really true. Look!" She then touches her leg with her index finger and screams "Ouch!" Then she touches her arm and yells "Eeeeoooow!" Finally she touches her ribs and can barely maintain her composure as the tears start to roll down her face. She says, "See, I told you I broke every bone in my body." The doctor rubs his chin, then conducts a thorough examination. "Well, miss," he tells her, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, you haven't broken every bone in your body. The bad news is, you've broken your finger." Brunettes Shopping Why do brunettes take blondes shopping with them? So they can park in the handicapped spaces. Capital There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a came home with a new blonde joke. One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb. She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals. That night when he got home he told his joke. She sais, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me." He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachussets?" She quickly replied, "M" Car Crash There's this blonde whose car has flipped over, and the police officer questioning her asks, "How did your car flip over, ma'am?" Still freaking out, she replies, "I was driving and I turned and this tree came out of nowhere, so I turned again and there was another tree, so I turned again to the right and yet another tree came! So I turned again and that was when I flipped." "Uh, ma'am?" the officer replied calmly. "That was your air freshener." Camel one day there were two ladies standing on a street corner smoking, one was a blonde. then it started to rain, so the first lady pulled out a condom, snipped off the end, and put it over her cigarette so it wouldn't burn out. The blonde asked "whats that?", then the first lady said "it's a condom" then the blode asked where she could get some and the first lady told the blonde that she could get them at the drugstore. so the next day the blonde went to the drugstore and asked the guy at the counter if they had any condoms. the guy said sure, what size do you want? then the blonde said "big enough to fit a Camel" (camel cigarette of course) Chain Link Fence Why did the dumb blonde climb over the eight-foot-tall chain link fence? To see what was on the other side! Cattle Herding Why can't a blonde herd cattle for a living? Because she can't even keep her own two calves together. Chickens and Blondes Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the blonde how. climbing blonde Why did the blonde climb the glass wall? To see what was on the other side. Competition A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were all in the third grade together. Which one had the biggest breasts? The blonde, because she was eighteen. Dumb Blonde How do you drown a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the bathtub. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common? They are both empty from the neck up! There is a blond driving through the country. She has just died her hair brown because she is sick of being made fun of. She is really hungry. She stops at a farmers house and says "Hi! If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?" Farmer says ok. She quickly counts them and says "91!" The farmer looks around puzzledly and says "Ok. Take one." When the Blond is walking back to her car the farmer asks "If I can guess your natural hair color, can I have my dog back?" Two blondes are walking down the street. One blonde finds a little mirror, looks in it, again, and again. Puzzled, she says to her friend, "I just know I've seen this face before!" "Give it to me", says the other blonde. She looks in the mirror and says, "Of course, you silly! It's me!!" Q: What did the blonde do when she went to the movies and saw the "NC-17 (under 17 not admitted)" sign. A: She went home and got 16 friends. Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? A: Knock on the Door. Q: How does a blond turn on the light after sex? A: She opens the car door. Q: Why don't blondes use vibrators? A: Because they chip their teeth. Q: Why was the blonde staring at the Orange juice container for an hour? A: It said: 'concentrate' on the label. Q: What did the blonde say when her boyfriend blew in her ear? A: Thanks for the refill, honey. Q: What is a blonde's favorite surgery? A: A SLIPADICTOME! A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help? "Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke." She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay", she says. After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?" They say, "Huh?" She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long. Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, "Luke?" Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?" Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?" "Yeah," says Luke, "I remember." "Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed. "Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not". "Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off." What do you get when you cross a blonde with a postal worker? A fluezy with an Uzi. A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee a sits down to drinking it. She looks on the side of her cup and finds a peal off prize. She pull off the tab and yells, "I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home; I WON a motor home!" The waitress runs over and says, "That’s impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!" The blonde replies, "No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!" By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, "You couldn’t possibly have won a motor homes because we didn’t have that as a prize!" Again the blonde says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!" The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL." Q: Why did the Blond wear high-heel shoes? A: She was once told by her mother to never sell herself short. back to top |